


did i say that out loud

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, It's more likely than you think!, M/M, Me projecting?, Morally Neutral Deceit Sanders, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, The others aren't exactly jerks but they aren't great?, They're just mentioned though - Freeform, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-13 12:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21494353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: He knows they don't care about him.So why does it hurt so much?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 17
Kudos: 205





	did i say that out loud

**Author's Note:**

> song lyrics are from "twisted" by missio
> 
> i tried to be descriptive again

_I'm uncontrollable, emotional,_  
_chaotically proportional,_  
_I'm visceral, reloadable_  
_I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy, I'm crazy_

Remus stares up at the cracked and water spotted ceiling of his bedroom. He feels lethargic, his body so heavy that it could crumble through the middle of his crumpled bed sheets. He knows that he should get up. He can't bring himself to care. He knows Deceit will worry. That's almost enough to pull his weary carcass free from the morass of dirty sheets and rumpled pillows, but not quite.

_Have you ever imagined killing your brother?_

But at this point, Remus is sure that his brother is the one plagued with _that_ particular thought. Certainly Roman must want him out of the picture. He is the embarrassment. The creep. The Dark Side brother that Roman desperately wishes he didn't have. What was it that he told Thomas, when Remus was still eavesdropping? Oh, yes. Like looking in a fun house mirror, but instead of seeing something funny, you saw all the things you never wanted to be.

That's all Remus is to his brother, and he knows it.

Not that the others feel much better toward him, do they? He scares Patton. Virgil feels a sort of weary contempt. Remus can see it in his eyes. And to think, they used to team up. But no, Virgil is a _Light Side_ now, Virgil is _better_, and Remus? Remus is that baby bird stuck in a jet turbine, smashed to smithereens before he has time to blink.

He irritates Logan. Or maybe not. Maybe he doesn't even register high enough on Logan's radar to garner contempt. That's almost _worse_.

The only one who gives a fuck about him is Deceit. Dee Dee is a Dark Side like him. Dee Dee _understands_.

Remus is desperately afraid that Dee Dee is not enough to keep him here anymore.

As if the thought has summoned him, he hears a tentative knock on the door.

"Remus?" Deceit's voice filters through the wood. "Are you awake?" He opens his mouth to answer, then pauses. What's the point? He stares at the ceiling some more. If he strains his eyes enough, the water spots almost form a picture. Maybe if he keeps looking, he'll find out what it is.

Instead, his vision is filled by a very concerned-looking Dee, leaning over him.

"Well, you've certainly looked worse," Dee comments.

"I'm fine, Dee Dee," Remus croaks. Deceit raises one eyebrow. His snake eye seems to glitter in the dim light.

"I know you're lying," Deceit says in a quiet voice. He snaps his fingers, summoning a sturdy wooden chair, and sits down, next to Remus's bedside.

"What are you doing?" Remus asks, although he has an inkling.

"Staying with you," Deceit says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it is. "Trying to keep you safe."

"Why would you do that?" Remus asks, trying to laugh. It comes out more like a sob. "I'm _fine_, I don't need to be- to be-"

"Yes," Deceit contradicts quietly. "You do."

"Sides can't die, remember?" Remus counters. "Even if I go splat on the ground or choke myself out or take all the pills in Thomas's medicine cabinet, I'll be peachy!"

"Physically, perhaps," Deceit acknowledges. His gloved hands twist in his lap, the only outward sign of his agitation. Remus remembers the scales that speckle his hands, like iridescent freckles. "What's wrong, Remus?"

"What _isn't_?" He asks, and to his horror, tears spill down his face, soaking the ends of his mustache. He scrubs angrily at his eyes with the palms of his hands, but the tears continue, traveling down well worn grooves in his cheeks.

"My brother hates me," he says, and it hurts to say it, like ripping open a fresh wound. "Everyone- you're the only one who doesn't, Dee Dee, and how long will that last? How long until you get tired of me, too, until you hate me, too, until-"

"Never," Deceit says fiercely. "Remus, I love you. _You matter to me._ I- I know that it hurts, not being accepted by the others, but maybe..." He hesitates. "Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't. But it doesn't matter when we have each other. And if I have anything to say about it, we will _always_ have each other."

"Do you mean that?" Remus asks in a tiny voice.

"Yes," Deceit says, clasping both of Remus's hands in his own. His gloves are soft against Remus's skin. "I swear to you, Remus. Always. I don't give a damn about the others."

Remus collapses against Deceit's front, silent sobs shaking his frame as his hands fist into Dee's capelet. Deceit's arms wrap around him, _all_ of his arms, and Remus sags into the embrace until his eyes are sore and his nose is stuffed up.

"Th- thank you," he stammers, as he draws away a little. Deceit smiles, the gesture tinged with sadness.

"Of course," he murmurs. "And Remus? I don't think your brother hates you as much as he professes. I think he's just...very confused. And I think he'll come around."

"Okay," Remus says simply. He looks around the crumpled mess of his bed and his nose wrinkles. "Can I take a shower? I feel like shit."

"Only if you promise not to try and bathe in sulfuric acid again," Deceit says, with a fond smile. Remus grins crookedly.

"Fine," he says, and follows Deceit, leaving the twisted nest of bed sheets behind.


End file.
